Four Fingered Fisherman

2008-01-24T19:17:00.000-08:00

I cried in my dream last night. Then when I finally woke up, I touched my eyes and they were dry. I had a good night sleep so far and upon realizing that I had only 30 minutes left to enjoy the comfort of my bed. But I'm still reflecting on why I cried last night. It will take some time to recall what I had as a dream. I wonder what Freud has to say about that, since I can't explain my dreams in words,sentences and in brief descriptions. All I know is that these things that creep into me while I'm sleeping are totally obscure, which doesn't mean gloomy or scary. They're just totally out of context.

One thing I need to conquer is my fear. My fear of failing. My fear of being considered a horrible writer or a horrible musician. I get reluctant to play guitar for I dont want to be criticized by my mom when I make all those weird, otherworldy noises. Plus writing. I admit that I get lazy trying to write. My penmanship sucks and I get my ideas not in front of my manuscript, my desk and my computer, but when I'm walking around, whether it may be in the mall or in my favorite park or my favorite place in Downtown Manila. That's where I get the ideas and the empowerment. Lately, it's been obsession with stalkers , school shooters and serial killers, appreciation of Belle and Sebastian and the nonstop search for justifications in regards to being a freak and not conforming to certain conventions. As for the stalker and school shooter obsessions, I feel uneasy with the fact that they're often profiled as "lonely" and "introverted". At the same time, I ask myself, " could that be me?" I was teased in school and I get angry and frustrated a lot. Could that be my fate? I guess before I pursue a nice writing and music career, one thing must be unlearned : rigor. I guess that occurs in every moment lived by. Every moment equivalent to smoking out

Playlist/ReadingList/MovieList

2008-01-17T16:13:00.000-08:00

MUSIC :

Pearl Jam - Porch (Live in State College, Pennsylvania, 2003)
The Decemberists-The Perfect Crime
Coupleskate-Trophy
Coupleskate-Fireman
Coupleskate-With Pins
Coupleskate-Sixty-Five
Annie-The Greatest Hit
Annie-Chewing Gum
Annie-Heartbeat
Sleater-Kinney-o2
Dinosaur Jr-Water
The Killers-Shadowplay ( Joy Division cover)
Bach-Goldberg Variations
Okkervil River-For Real
The Shins-Turn A Square
Interpol-Narc

Love the protest vibe brought by Pearl Jam's live version of Porch in this State College CD, where the two Pearl Jam guitarists peal those the power chords and attack the Penn State crowd with alternating heavy metal riffs. Eddie would soon preach by quoting Patti Smith : "You people have the power", before giving a final attack of the chorus of Porch. Another protest vibe shines a light with The Decemberists' Perfect Crime. If this is the next revolution, we'll be dancing and rocking our way to change. As for Dino's Water, fall in love with the lyrics and how moving it is, plus the wailing of J. Mascis' guitar at the end of the track . Such beautiful lyrics that I could sing to someone , including myself. Take the chorus , for instance , reminds me of how I'm under the spell of the man, due to annoying job prospects that I tried to get to fund my writing and music . "All you strive for/nothing gone /no more you're his servant", followed by a blitzkrieg attack of Mascis' standout solo. It may be about a backseat relationship, but I'll use it for now as my feelings towards my work. Tsk tsk.

Reading List :

Virginia Woolf-Jacob's Room
Jonathan Lethem-Perkus Tooth
Marcel Proust-Sodom and Gomorrah
Franz Kafka-The Castle
Samuel Beckett-Waiting For Godot

I'm obsessed with the idea of the broken man and how these broken men ought to levitate from the irritating cliches that gives nothing but self-inflicting pain towards themselves and other people. If there was one thing I learned from radical feminist Shulamith Firestone, it's that "women and the men who were rejected from culture are very close to their experience-fit subject matter" ( Taken from an essay entitled "(Male)Culture" Firestone's The Dialectic Of Sex). I guess my current experiences have mde me look at hings that way. I remember telling a friend that upon working here in the office, I told her to promise me that she will not consider me as "a wayward son, ever conforming to the norms, due to the winds of maturity"(Italics Mine). I told her to imagine me being the subject of an obscure novel or short story. She stated that I'm rather the subject of a painting.

Translated Version of My Entry

2008-01-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

Okay, I dont mean to alienate all of you. So here's the translated version

At around 7: 45 , my friend Nina calls me to tell ask me if I had a falling out with my friend Vince. Answer: Yes. I just got tired of his football coach-like advices. I'm pissed about my job rejections and I'm forced to work in my dad's office at the moment, he just says " well, you've got to sacrifice". Plus my sister is currently dating some older guy, a pretty wayward guy, and she shuns me when I'm with him. Vince would just say " well, she's a girl. We're men. You gotta be a man". Plus I just suddenly got annoyed at that attitude where you'd rather stay positive than sulk, ignoring all emotions and being annoyingly or disturbingly stoic about it. It's not for me. I could be honest about my unstable tempers and attitudes and I could even be proud of it. This discipline that this city needs to unlearn is really irritating me somehow
Then I told Nina that I'm working for my dad and I just had to hear remarks that I honestly find condescending. She tells me that I "need" this job. But on the other hand, she doesn't want to work for her family, yet she thinks I have to work for mine. You know what, screw that. I won't take that crap no more. Yet I just told her that "okay, you can always call me ,I'll do my part as one of your best friends even if I know that when it comes to me, you cannot reciprocate".
But there are good things for today. I'm currently appreciate this band, Coupleskate ( I'm happy that none of my indie scenesters friend have heard of them(evil laugh). I kinda have a crush on them, for they play really well. Their music makes me escape this dog-eat-dog city. Anyway, I guess I should write a play about the situation I had with the two friends I've mentioned .I guess I don't really have much friends who'll really listen and there are just a few of them who really do. I'd rather have you guys. I could write a nice play about how I should thank them for sacrificng myself for a job like this. Anyway, I've got to go. Got a self help book to read. Self help from Kafka. I'll take the chance to disappear someday , like what Sumire did in Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart novel. Here's hoping

2008-01-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

At around 7: 45 , my friend Nina calls me to tell ask me if I had a falling out with my friend Vince. Answer: Yes. I just got tired of his football coach-like advices. I'm pissed about my job rejections and I'm forced to work in my dad's office at the moment, he just says " well, you've got to sacrifice". Plus my sister is currently dating some older guy, a pretty wayward guy, and she shuns me when I'm with him. Vince would just say " well, she's a girl. We're men. You gotta be a man". Plus I just suddenly got annoyed at that attitude where you'd rather stay positive than sulk, ignoring all emotions and being annoyingly or disturbingly stoic about it. It's not for me. I could be honest about my unstable tempers and attitudes and I could even be proud of it. This discipline that this city needs to unlearn is really irritating me somehow
Then I told Nina that I'm working for my dad and I just had to hear remarks that I honestly find condescending. She tells me that I "need" this job. But on the other hand, she doesn't want to work for her family, yet she thinks I have to work for mine. You know what, screw that. I won't take that crap no more. Yet I just told her that "okay, you can always call me ,I'll do my part as one of your best friends even if I know that when it comes to me, you cannot reciprocate".
But there are good things for today. I'm currently appreciate this band, Coupleskate ( I'm happy that none of my indie scenesters friend have heard of them(evil laugh). I kinda have a crush on them, for they play really well. Their music makes me escape this dog-eat-dog city. Anyway, I guess I should write a play about the situation I had with the two friends I've mentioned .I guess I don't really have much friends who'll really listen and there are just a few of them who really do. I'd rather have you guys. I could write a nice play about how I should thank them for sacrificng myself for a job like this. Anyway, I've got to go. Got a self help book to read. Self help from Kafka. I'll take the chance to disappear someday , like what Sumire did in Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart novel. Here's hoping

FOR TRANSLATION : check out http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.preview

ONE(and a 2,3,4,5) MORE THING

2008-01-11T18:18:00.000-08:00

It's a free country, so let me complain. This is my blog anyway. Don't like it, don't read it. Get a self-help book or something. Here it is :

I can't seem to be confident at seeing bands and noticing that the crowd doesn't want to fucking move their bodies at all. They'd rather sit and drink, as if they're either too good or too tired for the floor. Plus , I can't relate with the so-called beer culture. I just don't see the reason for drinking . No, really. I guess to each his own. Good Day

New Year rEVOLution and Beer Monstrosities

2008-01-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

I became cranky again last night. Blame exhaustion or blame that time of the day where I usually rant about almost everything and of course, everybody.

Last night, I went to Rock Baby Rock, a benefit concert for sexually abused children, which was held in Katips Bar. I was with Mikey and Cybele. With the production coming from Cybele's alma mater, Ateneo de Manila University, it's inevitable that most of the performers were Ateneans. Okay, I'm deviating from my objective now. Smack me. I guess here goes my Harvey Pekar/Becker-esque attitude of being totally self deprecating and criticizing everything and everybody I find a bit unjust. Like the last band, TakenByCars. I mean, they're good and all that. They did some kind of 80s post-punk renaissance, something like what Minus The Bear and The Killers are doing . However, I got turned off when the singer started cracking jokes about how drunk she is or how she thinks she should drink more. Like Chicosci. I mean, yeah, in the songs , there's raw emotion and fury. But I cant help but get annoyed when I see the singer being totally goofy and cracking jokes and shit. Sometimes our mouths could totally ruin the good thing we're providing. On a personal note, my insecurity meter went up agaibn when I saw this attractive young girl in a miniskirt and I saw her with a guy companion and it just made me think " Uhhh, I guess I wouldn't be able to belong again." That's my superficial side, but hey, it's a sin, but a justified one since I'm just "TRYING TO COHABITATE WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD", broken as it may be.
I guess I'm not made for these times. Well, maybe I'am. But not in this country. So here's hoping

king of CONvenience

2007-12-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

Why must you walk the easier way to get to the store? Why must you take a wide and shinier highway and avoid heavy traffic?Be an egomaniac. Don't lend,and don't youdare borrow. When you read about a rock star's medical bills and her fading health, why do you have to tell yourself " I'll make sure that life isn't mine" . You're father's overprotective, losing the fun. You're mother's obsessive-compulsive, forgetting the strength. Now as you walk to work, you took an escalator farther than the one you took before. A longer walk, but I'm walking it. I'am walking what your walking .Convenience........Is...........Overrated

Iwannatakeyououtonyourholidaysweaterstaywithmeforanotherchristmasalchololiday

2007-12-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

I sit here alone in the guest room. My sister's sleeping and my parents went out somewhere. I'm a bit irritated at the things that had been happening. Okay, I lied to my mother about where I went last saturday and said I was on the fashion show with my best friend, Mikey and his girlfriend, Cybele. Bad idea. My mom saw Mikey in Rockwell awhile ago and when she asked Mikey about the fashion show and my bestfriend was speechless. So does this mean anoter falling out ? Does this mean that upon leaving the house tomorrow, will she ostracize me again?I'm getting tired of this. No, really. I mean, my sister is going out with a guy who's older than him, to the dismay of my parents ( they don't know). The guy's name is Niles and my sister seems to get away with all these elaborate lies about him. As for me, I may be the guy who might not get a fake ID if I were still a minor that's eager to get inside a 21-above club gig. I'm a bad liar and I guess this is the start of me being blueberry boy. I'm talking about this article I read about on Venus Zine about a Washington D.C. kids' show called Pancake Mountain, which features music from bands such as Ted Leo & The Pharmacists and The Evens to name a few. The character of Blueberry Boy, acccording to Venus Zine, "stresses individuality by not caring that everyone calls him names for loving blueberries so much his face turns blue". Yeah, I guess from now on, I'll start having some more self opinion . And someday I'll be a rocknroll genius and transcend the borders of what a rock gig or a rock fan usually is. I'll have my own kids' show and perhaps we'll see what rock n roill should be. Not all musicians are worth the time. You rarely see the Sleater-Kinneys,The Ian Mackayes, and The Eddie Vedders. You know, musical geniuses who seem to have a life-as-art perspective and is cool offstage as well as onstage. Anyway, I guess this is all I have to say. Bona Serra

2007-12-11T00:49:00.000-08:00

Untitled

2007-12-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

I have a new job now, teaching english at John Robert Powers. It's just part time and that's what seems to worry me, for I'm not very sure if I could live with that. On the other hand, where would you even get a high paying job that doesnt hold too much of your time? So I guess this is great. Add my possible stint for StarCinema. I guess that would be all right, although I'd need the right discipline to stop worrying about things, including this one. Aside from that, mother and I are having another falling out due to my teaching job and for the reason that I won't be working in my dad's office. I became really really petrified last night, and I waited the whole night for dad to arrive, that I didn't care to leave my bedroom, for I feared mother getting mad at my dad about me again, and since dad would be ostracized, he'll soon ostracize me

It's tuesday again and I'm here in the store once again, where there are no customers walking in. Quiet. Very .Quiet. Starting today, I have a new blog entitled Savant Garde. It'll be my take on the books, music, movies and travelling that I do. Random thoughts about Mick Jagger, Jonathan Lethem, Ben Greenman, Men men men and their crazy machismo and the thought of how I could relate to broken tough guys rather than conceited nerds that rule the bureaucracy and the corporate world.

Where I'm Likely To Freak Out

2007-11-28T22:16:00.000-08:00

Thursday again and if I'm not mistaken, thursday is the "day where I'm Likely to freak out". In my junior and senior years of high school, It was thursday where we suffer from math electives such as statistics, under the very rigorous and disturbing teacher by the name of Ms Santos and thursday had memories of annoying algebra exams where I could hardly win , plus the college entrance exam reviews where the competition was fucking fierce and everyone fucking confirmed anyway. At this hour, the art of possibly freaking out was revived. Thank God it's more sublime .

I'm talking about the current walkout of Oakwood Mutiny participant and now Senator Antonio Trillanes, who walked out of his trial , along with his comrades The Magdalo Group. There is currently a movement in The Peninsula Hotel Manila in Ayala Avenue, Makati. Trillanes, Magdalo and AFP Gen. Danny Lim called for the resignation of President Arroyo. What scares me is that one of my best friends, Vince, texted me, telling me that he will be involved. I couldnt stop him . I don't necessarily support the movement, yet I respect Vince's decision. What scares me is that this incident might lead to mass arrest and that I might see one of my best friends getting arrested and that my parents might inevitably consider me disengaging from him.

I'm currently following the news and sending text messages to Vince ( who is currently in the Manila Peninsula, supporting The Magdalo Group. ),updating him on what's going on outside. The Arroyo Administration is currently giving Trillanes until 3pm to clear the hotel premises. I'm currently checking out ABS-CBN Channel 2 and GMA 7 for more earth-friendly news, since the ABS-CBN News Channel ( ANC) seems to cover the news but in the perspective of a lot of big businesspeople and the stock exchange. I even heard some woman from the stock exchange whining about how the media focuses on a movement that "nobody wants to join in " and that "they should be thrown in jail". Damn, what a sourpuss. I hope Vince is okay. Till then, I got F.Sionil Jose's Mass to help me get a perspective of what to be during these times

I Get Along I Get Along I Get Along ( exhales)

2007-11-27T00:04:00.000-08:00

I went on a rage again awhile ago, and I'm glad Vince is still supportive of me, for I think I kinda bullied him by letting all my rage out on him. I sent him really whiny text messages , stating "WHAT THE FUCK DO Y'ALL WANT FROM ME"? I got really pissed at my dad and that teambuilding on sunday that he wants me to join in. Nothing against the people in his office, I just wish he'll leave me alone and stop thinking that I'm in need of some help. Aside from that, I remember that asshole from The British Council named Mike. I think he's a really really bad person and sometimes I wish I was a corrections officer everytime I think of him. Not very prestigious thing , all right. But when you're a corrections officer, you beat people up for a living , hahahahaha. With all the pain I'm feeling, whether it may be my pain or the pain I feel for other people that hurt, sometimes I'd love to beat inmates up for a living. But let that happen in an amoral world where it'll be all right to beat the crap out of anybody who's getting into my nerves or is making someone else's life miserable.

Anyway, Mike is pissing me off and if I cannot punch him in the face, then I hope someone would. I just couldn't stand a guy who admitted on picking on a couple of kids who they perceive as different . I told him how I was picked on as well, and the son-of-a-bitch asked "Why didn't you ask for help? Like Counselling?" I really hate this guy and if I was a minor that happened to have physical monstrosities such as big biceps or something, I'd really beat this guy up. He doesn't deserve to see the light of day. So there... Two people have already led to my early morning/noon time rage. My dad and this guy. I'm currently minding my mother's store and watching episodes of my hero, Nardwuar The Human Serviette. I'm also bracing myself for the first few pages of Seven Plays anthology of late Swedish playwright, August Strindberg. I apporach his works with caution for it deals with the issue of the two sexes, and the struggles men and women. But what really disturbs me and makes me reluctant to read Strindberg is his fate with a lot of his female significant others, who seemed to apply feminist ideals, prompting them to leave him. I mean, I'm so into feminism and not just feminism but the ways and means a woman would do to cause a drastic change and cause a crack in this horrible patriarchal society we're living in. I admire and I could relate more to the history of feminism now, for I consider myself an oppressed or a broken man. Or maybe I choose to be an outsider by choice and I want to be the predecessor that would help create a new feminist movement, like the Abolitionist that inspired early American feminist Elizabeth Cady-Stanton. Okay, now back to Strindberg. I'm paranoid. What if the things that had happened to Strindberg had happened to me? I guess there's Shulamith Firestone and Simone de Beauvoir and Venus Zine to stop me from worrying. I'll just read on.

Another thing that I'm a bit worried about is my plan to interview former Sleater-Kinney guitarist Carrie Brownstein. I sent her a message last week, requesting for interview. She hasn't responded yet, and what worries me more is that I might creep her out. That would be very heartbreaking for me.I always end up scaring a lot of people by simply minding my own business. Don't let the muscles and the regiments at the gym fool you. I'm wimpier than a lot of nerds. I scare people away, yet I'm not an anti-intellectual person. I guess I just happen to grow a little muscles. I'm not a jock. Still, I hope she'll agree with the interview. Sleater-Kinney was my inspiration, onstage and even offstage. On a lighter note, I've read Carrie's interview with The Colbert Report writer Laura Krafft. Reading about Krafft and her job inspires me to work on that storyline for StarCinema. Now I don't care if that writing job doesn't pay much. It'll lead me to greener pastures, and maybe a reinterpretation of the Sermon of The Mount. Good Bye!

Note To Self Don't Die

2007-11-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

I just recently saw segments of The Henry Rollins show on YouTube and I just wannna tell you, I'am so right for feeling the way that I'am .God Bless You All.

I saw the segment where Henry wrote a hilarious letter to Ann Coulter. In the letter, he invited Ann to live with him and be domesticated and what not, just for one thing : to make sure that Ann would "Shut the fuck up". I also saw that segment entitled America Is Under Attack, and instead of blaming Osama or Saddam, Henry lashes out on Bush,Cheney,Karl Rove and Patriot Act. He said that they have no right to spy on fellow Americans, calling the good old boys a couple of cowards and traitors. God Bless Henry Rollins

Right now, I'm minding my mother's store here at Serendra High Street. I felt harassed awhile ago, when prior to reporting for work here in the store, I decided to buy a book. Unfortunately, my credit card got declined. I called dad to check on this, and he called back by saying that I already had a 20,000 peso limit for the month. I mean, impossible . I personally think that's total horseshit. That included my bday budget? Fuck,no. Still, dad said I shouldn't argue with him. So for the start of the day I felt harassed. On a lighter note, I've rediscovered my love for the songs of Ryan Adams, particularly Wish You We're Here, This Is It, Love Is Hell, NewYorkNewYork and Note To Self Don't Die. I checked out his videos, along with videos of Neil Young, Superchunk and Beat Happening . I think I like minding this store. If no one walks into the store to check some items, then at least I could read a stack of books and listen to Calvin Johnson and Ryan Adams. I'm living a dream. I guess I'll continue writer later on.

Even As We Speak

2007-11-21T00:06:00.000-08:00

Awhile ago, I had another falling out with my mother. As I kissed her goodbye, she again criticized my new bag. My bag is this vintage leather bag that had the classic Continental Airlines logo, making you think "Man, they really know how to make commercial airliners look beautiful". Mom hated that bag, for she said that it makes me look like a poor man and she told me that she was just afraid of me getting ridiculed. I didn't even answer back, when again she became very intolerant and snappy again. Then she brought up the topic of me getting back with my partner, Margie. I mean, it felt weird and yes, I love Marge, and I did feel battered about the relationship. But it's not that simple. Still, she vows that she wouldn't speak to me for a long time. right now, I'm in my alma mater, in the place they call I-Nook, where you could surf the net for free, just show them some ID. I'm currently writing storylines and waiting for Ms Trina to be vacant, in order for her to check out my written works.This is for my application for ABS-CBN's Star Cinema Productions. I'am petrified for my dad would ostracize me again since my mom is frustrated. I mean, it's really insane how often times I apply for a certain company, dad would tell me how much I'm not qualified and how I'm just wasting time and stuff. I mean, I'm a good kid and I obey my elders. If my elders tell me that I'm unemployable and I'm doing nothing, then maybe they're right. Yeah right. I guess that's why I'm too lazy to search for jobs, for they'll just degrade it and make me feel stupid. I've got a lot of work to do and I just hope I land a job at Star Cinema, or if not, I hope I get those proofreading jobs. Anything , as long as it's a creative setting and it's not rigorous.

And for the record, I have some interviews to do. This would be for my submissions for AdBusters and MakeShift Magazine. Nomy Lamm already said yes. I'm still waiting for former Sleater-Kinney guitarist Carrie Brownstein's reply to my request for interview. I hope she says yes, for I'm really a big fan of hers and if not for her and the rest of Sleater-Kinney, then I'd completely give up on music

You Knew Very Well What ....Was Coming Next

2007-11-20T07:18:00.001-08:00

I saw life again when I saw the spontaneous combustion caused by the radiance of downtown Manila. This time, it was in the evening. I took the Quiapo-Cubao jeep and even chatted with the jeepney driver on how I did a couple of job hunts to no avail. I explained how I was applying for Abs-Cbn Channel 2 , and hopefully once I get accepted there, I could soon apply for BBC and work in England. With all the pain and the confuson that I'm going through (whether it may be a direct heartache or a pain that I feel out of somebody's fall from grace) , I hope that I could finally do that, ending all the unnecessary heartbreak , provided that the solutions to these problems are hardly sublime, especially here in The Philippines.

Anyway, I saw Intramuros with the streetlights shining in front of me. I don't know if I had Rocky Votolato's White Daisies Passing stuck in my head that time or not( That's the song that seems to be stuck in my head whenever I'm a so-called drug moment, whether that may be a trip to Downtown Manila, or a nice time with a friend or a girlfriend or a song that feeds your soul or what not). But I felt life apart from the things that I think I could control. I felt the beauty of the city, despite all its bitterness, when I saw the streetlights of Intramuros, and the lights that brighten up the Manila City Hall, reminding me of a Smiths song, in which like Manila, makes bitterness and alienation still sound funny ,witty and beautiful. Other than that, I became fascinated with that big ship that's sailed in the dock near The Manila Hotel. It turns out to be a floating hotel. One of the cops on duty explained it to me. I asked if I could enter that ship, but it's for guests only. Being the big mouth that I may be at times, I just said "Oh. VIP".

I'm lucky today and I just finished celebrating my birthday, so I had enough money to spend on a kalesa or a rig being pulled by a horse. A ride costs around 1 to 200 bucks. On board the kalesa, I felt uneasy at the coachman whipping his big brown horse . I mean, won't PETA be furious about this? I landed at Padre Faura street, where I visited Solidaridad,the bookstore of acclaimed Filipino writer F.Sionil Jose. I wasn't able to talk to him. I was even stupid enough to tell the receptionist that I'm just a "tagahanga". A fan. Now I have a reason to call them and to talk to F.Sionil : I'm going to read his novel,Mass ( which my friend, Paolo said, is kinda like a "Pinoy Catcher In The Rye"). I'll probably use that book and Gagamba as a reference for a future interview that I will conduct with him, which I will submit as an AdBusters contribution. I've already read Gagamba and despite it being "too realistic" for me, I was moved by his portrayal of Gagamba, a crippled Mabini Parking attendant,who is the only major character in the novel who lived to see another day. So I have two pending interviews. One with Nomy Lamm and one with F.Sionil Jose ( that is, if he agrees to talk with me).

I ended the film by purchasing the video cds of Garden State and An American Rhapsody, plus this book by Beth Lisick, entitled Everybody Into The Pool. I still feel uneasy with it, for it showed Lisick's reality of being an achiever, even a homecoming princess who relegated to the limbs of American counterculture. I feel uneasy for I remembered the violence of high school and being only in the middle of being either a well-rounded role model or one a grunge-loving outsider by choice, which isn't really that good. Still, I guess I can relate to her. I'm a good , sensitive kid who happened to grow some muscles, or that novice athlete who goes boxing , lifts weights pretty well yet is one of those extras in the track and field team, or even that kid who can't get along with the rigorous and tedious takes on the academic, yet never stops thinking at all. Idiot savant? I dont know. I dont want to know. Who creates these terms anyway? If I meet him, I don't know whether I should show him my boxer side or I'll just annoy him by thinking too much. Anyway, bona serra

Life's Art that Cubists Might Not Create- 11/20/07

2007-11-20T06:24:00.000-08:00

I fear words these days. These include the words "training", "development", "work", "economics", "math", "success". Ohh, there are too many to mention.

This morning, my mother asked me what day I would be free. I said thursday, and she explained how she wanted me to learn how to mind the store. She said she was training me. I didn't tka e it against her for she was being very pleasant awhile ago. She even replied with another question , which was "when could you be available to have lunch with me?" I said sunday, and promised that this coming sunday would be different , for I would wake up early for her. For some reason, I didn't refuse the work that she had offered for me, yet the fear and dirty winds of rigor that touch my face the way an abusive wife beater would squeeze his spouse's face. I just felt worried, that as all experiences in conventions led to rigor, the loss of my identity, exhaustion and those undecipherable winds that may be the cause of occassional road rage if ever I realized that the traffic jam that had ruined my day was due to one of those road constructions.

I mean, idealogically speaking, I am all alone, although in time I realized it's not all that bad. I mean, I've got family, friends , my girlfriend. Yes, I'm living out of the spoils of my dad's financial success, yes I do not drink it away , rather splurging on books, films, magazines and records, which are obviously gateway drugs to my passions. Both parents think I'm having no direction and it's heartbreaking for once I open up my issue to my other friends, they either tell me that I have to see it from my parents side also , or they just think I'm some angsty young man. But no. I think my wimpiness and my childlike playfulness make it hard to see nothing but angst ( for those who didn't listen, I'll learn to forgive you if I could. Till then, I'm gonna watch a Trufffaut film).

I may be lazy at the moment, but it's because I get tired of all the job hunting and the walk-ins and the interviews that keep me waiting for months. I'm also tired of having to experience a lot of mental or verbal violence. I can't always live with people thinking that I'm not employable for any company. I can't live with people who give words a very name ( as mentioned above), and I can't always live with the fear of being corrected . I just don't want life to feel like work , and if that's what my family and the people around me are living by, then I refuse. I'd rather live the life of a Haruki Murakami, Aimee Bender or a Samuel Beckett figure. I've experienced working in a call center and I failed the training. Or maybe it failed me . So does that make me a helpless rich child? That doesn't end there. When I showed my father the evaluation report, he emphasized on how I have a comprehension problem and I have to prove that I'm not an idiot. So maybe my family's mind frame is what made me hate a lot of things . I almost hated books due to dad's rigorous attempt to make me read a couple of books on how to concentrate. Right now, I'm living up to the words printed on a Vendela Vida novel. And Now You Can Go. I'll live by that someday. I've got a lot of dreams to live by