I cried in my dream last night. Then when I finally woke up, I touched my eyes and they were dry. I had a good night sleep so far and upon realizing that I had only 30 minutes left to enjoy the comfort of my bed. But I'm still reflecting on why I cried last night. It will take some time to recall what I had as a dream. I wonder what Freud has to say about that, since I can't explain my dreams in words,sentences and in brief descriptions. All I know is that these things that creep into me while I'm sleeping are totally obscure, which doesn't mean gloomy or scary. They're just totally out of context.

One thing I need to conquer is my fear. My fear of failing. My fear of being considered a horrible writer or a horrible musician. I get reluctant to play guitar for I dont want to be criticized by my mom when I make all those weird, otherworldy noises. Plus writing. I admit that I get lazy trying to write. My penmanship sucks and I get my ideas not in front of my manuscript, my desk and my computer, but when I'm walking around, whether it may be in the mall or in my favorite park or my favorite place in Downtown Manila. That's where I get the ideas and the empowerment. Lately, it's been obsession with stalkers , school shooters and serial killers, appreciation of Belle and Sebastian and the nonstop search for justifications in regards to being a freak and not conforming to certain conventions. As for the stalker and school shooter obsessions, I feel uneasy with the fact that they're often profiled as "lonely" and "introverted". At the same time, I ask myself, " could that be me?" I was teased in school and I get angry and frustrated a lot. Could that be my fate? I guess before I pursue a nice writing and music career, one thing must be unlearned : rigor. I guess that occurs in every moment lived by. Every moment equivalent to smoking out

Playlist/ReadingList/MovieList

MUSIC :

Pearl Jam - Porch (Live in State College, Pennsylvania, 2003)
The Decemberists-The Perfect Crime
Coupleskate-Trophy
Coupleskate-Fireman
Coupleskate-With Pins
Coupleskate-Sixty-Five
Annie-The Greatest Hit
Annie-Chewing Gum
Annie-Heartbeat
Sleater-Kinney-o2
Dinosaur Jr-Water
The Killers-Shadowplay ( Joy Division cover)
Bach-Goldberg Variations
Okkervil River-For Real
The Shins-Turn A Square
Interpol-Narc

Love the protest vibe brought by Pearl Jam's live version of Porch in this State College CD, where the two Pearl Jam guitarists peal those the power chords and attack the Penn State crowd with alternating heavy metal riffs. Eddie would soon preach by quoting Patti Smith : "You people have the power", before giving a final attack of the chorus of Porch. Another protest vibe shines a light with The Decemberists' Perfect Crime. If this is the next revolution, we'll be dancing and rocking our way to change. As for Dino's Water, fall in love with the lyrics and how moving it is, plus the wailing of J. Mascis' guitar at the end of the track . Such beautiful lyrics that I could sing to someone , including myself. Take the chorus , for instance , reminds me of how I'm under the spell of the man, due to annoying job prospects that I tried to get to fund my writing and music . "All you strive for/nothing gone /no more you're his servant", followed by a blitzkrieg attack of Mascis' standout solo. It may be about a backseat relationship, but I'll use it for now as my feelings towards my work. Tsk tsk.


Reading List :

Virginia Woolf-Jacob's Room
Jonathan Lethem-Perkus Tooth
Marcel Proust-Sodom and Gomorrah
Franz Kafka-The Castle
Samuel Beckett-Waiting For Godot

I'm obsessed with the idea of the broken man and how these broken men ought to levitate from the irritating cliches that gives nothing but self-inflicting pain towards themselves and other people. If there was one thing I learned from radical feminist Shulamith Firestone, it's that "women and the men who were rejected from culture are very close to their experience-fit subject matter" ( Taken from an essay entitled "(Male)Culture" Firestone's The Dialectic Of Sex). I guess my current experiences have mde me look at hings that way. I remember telling a friend that upon working here in the office, I told her to promise me that she will not consider me as "a wayward son, ever conforming to the norms, due to the winds of maturity"(Italics Mine). I told her to imagine me being the subject of an obscure novel or short story. She stated that I'm rather the subject of a painting.

Translated Version of My Entry

Okay, I dont mean to alienate all of you. So here's the translated version

At around 7: 45 , my friend Nina calls me to tell ask me if I had a falling out with my friend Vince. Answer: Yes. I just got tired of his football coach-like advices. I'm pissed about my job rejections and I'm forced to work in my dad's office at the moment, he just says " well, you've got to sacrifice". Plus my sister is currently dating some older guy, a pretty wayward guy, and she shuns me when I'm with him. Vince would just say " well, she's a girl. We're men. You gotta be a man". Plus I just suddenly got annoyed at that attitude where you'd rather stay positive than sulk, ignoring all emotions and being annoyingly or disturbingly stoic about it. It's not for me. I could be honest about my unstable tempers and attitudes and I could even be proud of it. This discipline that this city needs to unlearn is really irritating me somehow
Then I told Nina that I'm working for my dad and I just had to hear remarks that I honestly find condescending. She tells me that I "need" this job. But on the other hand, she doesn't want to work for her family, yet she thinks I have to work for mine. You know what, screw that. I won't take that crap no more. Yet I just told her that "okay, you can always call me ,I'll do my part as one of your best friends even if I know that when it comes to me, you cannot reciprocate".
But there are good things for today. I'm currently appreciate this band, Coupleskate ( I'm happy that none of my indie scenesters friend have heard of them(evil laugh). I kinda have a crush on them, for they play really well. Their music makes me escape this dog-eat-dog city. Anyway, I guess I should write a play about the situation I had with the two friends I've mentioned .I guess I don't really have much friends who'll really listen and there are just a few of them who really do. I'd rather have you guys. I could write a nice play about how I should thank them for sacrificng myself for a job like this. Anyway, I've got to go. Got a self help book to read. Self help from Kafka. I'll take the chance to disappear someday , like what Sumire did in Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart novel. Here's hoping

At around 7: 45 , my friend Nina calls me to tell ask me if I had a falling out with my friend Vince. Answer: Yes. I just got tired of his football coach-like advices. I'm pissed about my job rejections and I'm forced to work in my dad's office at the moment, he just says " well, you've got to sacrifice". Plus my sister is currently dating some older guy, a pretty wayward guy, and she shuns me when I'm with him. Vince would just say " well, she's a girl. We're men. You gotta be a man". Plus I just suddenly got annoyed at that attitude where you'd rather stay positive than sulk, ignoring all emotions and being annoyingly or disturbingly stoic about it. It's not for me. I could be honest about my unstable tempers and attitudes and I could even be proud of it. This discipline that this city needs to unlearn is really irritating me somehow
Then I told Nina that I'm working for my dad and I just had to hear remarks that I honestly find condescending. She tells me that I "need" this job. But on the other hand, she doesn't want to work for her family, yet she thinks I have to work for mine. You know what, screw that. I won't take that crap no more. Yet I just told her that "okay, you can always call me ,I'll do my part as one of your best friends even if I know that when it comes to me, you cannot reciprocate".
But there are good things for today. I'm currently appreciate this band, Coupleskate ( I'm happy that none of my indie scenesters friend have heard of them(evil laugh). I kinda have a crush on them, for they play really well. Their music makes me escape this dog-eat-dog city. Anyway, I guess I should write a play about the situation I had with the two friends I've mentioned .I guess I don't really have much friends who'll really listen and there are just a few of them who really do. I'd rather have you guys. I could write a nice play about how I should thank them for sacrificng myself for a job like this. Anyway, I've got to go. Got a self help book to read. Self help from Kafka. I'll take the chance to disappear someday , like what Sumire did in Murakami's Sputnik Sweetheart novel. Here's hoping

FOR TRANSLATION : check out http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.preview

ONE(and a 2,3,4,5) MORE THING

It's a free country, so let me complain. This is my blog anyway. Don't like it, don't read it. Get a self-help book or something. Here it is :

I can't seem to be confident at seeing bands and noticing that the crowd doesn't want to fucking move their bodies at all. They'd rather sit and drink, as if they're either too good or too tired for the floor. Plus , I can't relate with the so-called beer culture. I just don't see the reason for drinking . No, really. I guess to each his own. Good Day

New Year rEVOLution and Beer Monstrosities

I became cranky again last night. Blame exhaustion or blame that time of the day where I usually rant about almost everything and of course, everybody.

Last night, I went to Rock Baby Rock, a benefit concert for sexually abused children, which was held in Katips Bar. I was with Mikey and Cybele. With the production coming from Cybele's alma mater, Ateneo de Manila University, it's inevitable that most of the performers were Ateneans. Okay, I'm deviating from my objective now. Smack me. I guess here goes my Harvey Pekar/Becker-esque attitude of being totally self deprecating and criticizing everything and everybody I find a bit unjust. Like the last band, TakenByCars. I mean, they're good and all that. They did some kind of 80s post-punk renaissance, something like what Minus The Bear and The Killers are doing . However, I got turned off when the singer started cracking jokes about how drunk she is or how she thinks she should drink more. Like Chicosci. I mean, yeah, in the songs , there's raw emotion and fury. But I cant help but get annoyed when I see the singer being totally goofy and cracking jokes and shit. Sometimes our mouths could totally ruin the good thing we're providing. On a personal note, my insecurity meter went up agaibn when I saw this attractive young girl in a miniskirt and I saw her with a guy companion and it just made me think " Uhhh, I guess I wouldn't be able to belong again." That's my superficial side, but hey, it's a sin, but a justified one since I'm just "TRYING TO COHABITATE WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD", broken as it may be.
I guess I'm not made for these times. Well, maybe I'am. But not in this country. So here's hoping

king of CONvenience

Why must you walk the easier way to get to the store? Why must you take a wide and shinier highway and avoid heavy traffic?Be an egomaniac. Don't lend,and don't youdare borrow. When you read about a rock star's medical bills and her fading health, why do you have to tell yourself " I'll make sure that life isn't mine" . You're father's overprotective, losing the fun. You're mother's obsessive-compulsive, forgetting the strength. Now as you walk to work, you took an escalator farther than the one you took before. A longer walk, but I'm walking it. I'am walking what your walking .Convenience........Is...........Overrated